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The week that was in Thailand news: The calamity that is so long a life in Thailand

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The week that was in Thailand news: The calamity that is so long a life in Thailand

To splash or not to splash, that is the question. Whether ’tis knobblier in the mind to nip to Tops, And suffer the ice and powder of baiting adults, Masquerading as children, or to raise arms against A sea of high power hoses intent on bringing me, Off my Honda. And by opposing them, Be deemed culturally insensitive. Or stay home and Sleep, or even die ‘ere watching endless reruns of Fawlty Thus avoiding Thailand’s Midsummer Mayhem. And by a sleep to say we end (at least for now) The thousand natural shocks that those who enjoyed the Fleshpots of Thailand are heir to. ‘Tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish’d……perchance to dream of those Years gone by when we feigned a love of Songkran, To please the girlfriend. But now as we hurtle towards Shuffling off that mortal coil we don’t give a Yorick’s. But pause, and stay behind the safety of our Keyboards – giving self-respect to that calamity That is so Long a Life in Thailand.

So speaketh the self-styled Bard of Ratchayothin, though to be fair some would rather seem him “barred”.

Whether or not to venture out into the streets this year was rather taken out of Rooster’s hands. Mrs Rooster and the chicks had flown the coop and were out of town. And the grown up children visiting from Yonder Albion are past that flush of youth when throwing water was once deemed ‘sanuk’. They expressed the need for some simple home time with mum and dad in Thailand….. to get away from the trials and tribulations of Brexit if nothing else.

Many years over several decades in Thailand, after the thrill of wetting farang bar owners in Soi Cowboy wore off, I would consciously hide come mid-April no matter where and with whom I was living. Now I hardly go out anyway. I spend so much of my life hiding in a sweltering box behind a keyboard peering at a screen that I’m beginning to feel like one of those forum curmudgeons and Thai bashers I so despise!

Som nam na (serves you right) I can hear you – and them – say!

As Songkran loomed on the horizon like my old neighbor’s smalls on the balcony washing line, I contacted my editor to volunteer for extra work. If I am to stay in why not continue to monitor the madness that is the Thai news, I reasoned. Despite the offer of a New Year break, why not soldier on and offer my services in translating news of the inevitable road carnage on an hourly basis, rather than just in round-up when the final death toll is revealed. Call it dedication….or an excuse to have a few days off AFTER Songkran when it will be much nicer to be out and I might actually remain alive after a short ride with the family.

I’ll be going to Cha-Am not Pattaya. I made that mistake one year. Patting myself on the back for having avoided Bangkok splashings for yet another year I had headed the sports car south east, blissfully forgetful that they soak each other there until about May. The once beautiful car, now covered in sludge, oily perfumes and staining St Luke powder, limped into Pattaya apologetically eight hours after leaving Bangkok following the Khun Mae of all Sukhumvit traffic jams. One less than happy camper was growling behind the wheel.

Welcome once more to QUOTES – the Queen Of The Eastern Seaboard.

Consequently I have been glued to the Thai news these last few days and, if I’m honest, the last few weeks. This week we were treated on the forum to the biggest Thai soap opera of this or any other recent year – the transfer of Big Joke and his mysterious appointment as a special adviser to uncle Big Pom’s chief Big Too. Bigs were everywhere.

To say that speculation was rife would have been the understatement of the decade. Big Joke’s rise has been meteoric and all his poster boy antics and press conferences have been followed by both Thai and very much now the foreign, English speaking social media. Thaivisa has been a big factor in that with yours truly guilty as charged..

By continually referring to the moniker of Big Joke the life of Maj-Gen then Lt-Gen Surachate Hakparn began to be a feature of Thais’ AND foreigners’ lives alike. The nickname helped of course, but so did the stories that propelled BJ to the forefront; all those naughty Romance Scammers, mostly black with their Thai female accomplices, Chinese miscreants running call centers, over stayers etc. etc…..

The self-righteous foreigners who proudly proclaimed that they “played by the rules” enjoyed the torment of the Nigerians and their equally vilified white overstaying crims. All hail Big Joke!Big Joke for PM! was all you could hear for a moment or two in time. All hail the end of police corruption was also heard though scarcely given credence!

Until BJ made the seminal mistake, as least as far as the expat community was concerned, and took up the reins of immigration. And – if his detractors are to be believed – somehow connived with the embassies to make the lives of retirees hell. Suddenly Big Joke was just that. Almost overnight he became a trumped up, attention seeking ne’er do well who despised all foreigners and deserved to be hated and hounded to oblivion.

How fickle are people when they feel that their own circumstances are threatened.

Nobody in their right mind would think that his transfer has anything to do with the views of the expat community or its large band of retirees. They may have been poorly treated but in the bigger picture they are but a grain of sand in that vast cosmos that is the Thais, their complex relationships and their all pervasive corruption, patronage and influence peddling.

Where the truth lies in the Big Joke saga, frankly, I don’t care to speculate here. If Christopher Hitchens were still with us I’m sure he’d know but unfortunately he’s not.

But I found it amusing that everyone and his pit bull had a cast iron view on the forum. With wink-wink posts some referred to a well known Edinburgh uni lecturer and his online views. These posters quickly suspend disbelief as they rush headlong to believe what they want to believe and thus appear knowledgeable in the eyes of those they deem ill-informed. He may have written a book, he may have knowledge, he may love Thailand – but he has an almighty axe to grind.

As perhaps we all do.

Others went many steps further into madness with their “insider” knowledge. They asked us to believe their opinions because their wife said so. Or because they have mates in Songkhla (BJ’s hometown). Or because the Thai girl on the next bar stool translated the caption on the TV into bitty English. Or because they had a VPN. Or because they have insight like the forum guys who mysteriously know the exact penis size of every Thai male. Or because…..

Everyone had an opinion and only a few – mostly those who have been in Thailand the longest incidentally – said they didn’t know and probably never would even if an explanation was forthcoming!

For there, to go back to the bard, is the rub. Whatever we are told – especially in a country like Thailand where the truth is a commodity strictly guarded by those in power – we should smile like the Thais, nod and say yes of course, that must be it…….and reject it out of hand! For this and a thousand far more important mysteries dating back to the earliest palace intrigues of the era of the constitutional monarchy and beyond will forever remain just that….mysterious and unsolved lost in the passage of time and its concomitant deceit.

Aware that I have rambled more than enough and that you may wish to go out and get revenge on the noisy neighbors and their yapping dog by giving them a good Songkran dousing here are a few Rooster awards.

The “Please Don’t Come To Tea Even If We Invite You By Mistake” award goes to “Ai Korn” in Koh Si Chang who raped and murdered a 26 year old German lady out peacefully riding a bike on a sunny day in the Land of Smiles. I’m not in favor of the death penalty but I do hope this miscreant never again sees the light of day that he so cruelly denied to his young and entirely innocent victim.

The “Understandable Canine Modesty” award I give to the editorial team over at Sanook for their work on an online story about a man falling on hard times having to find homes for his pit bulls. The daddy of the pups was pictured with his dog-hood thankfully obscured. The childish British translator in me is still chuckling days after I penned the phrase “pixelated penis”. I make no excuse for ALWAYS finding a fart funny especially when it is done by a prim and proper woman during tea and buttered scones with a man of the cloth.

The “Go Back to Kindergarten Drawing Award” goes to the taxi driver in Bangkok who crudely changed the number on his cab with what looked like a dab or two of yellow paint and some magic marker. Apparently jail awaits such wrongdoers which made Rooster – normally an upright if not actually Thai citizen – believe I dodged a bullet in the past.

I bought a new and very swanky 900cc Kawasaki chopper and tried to get a personalized number plate – 1882, the founding year of my beloved Spurs. The best I could do for free was 882 so I cut out a strip of black plastic to complete the cherished job. On my first car when I was a relatively new father in Thailand it had the Thai letters that spell out the word “phor” meaning enough. A little plastic tape mark above the letters transformed the word into “phor” with a falling tone.

Now it meant father and this was DADDY’S CAR!

Fortunately I never got arrested for either offence. I sold the Kawa and Mrs Rooster 1 now drives the car….with the “may ek” tone mark still in place!

Finally the “Don’t Be So Boring” award I give to my editors who rejected my suggested headline for a story about the dire state of Songkram tourism in Pattaya. They opted for “Hotel bookings down as tourists stay away” pouring cold water, appropriately enough for this of all weeks, on my infinitely superior suggestion:

“Pattaya in doo-doo, it’s as dead as a dodo”.

Yes, I’ll never grow up and I might even change tack and go out and do some splashing!

Merry Songkran everybody and a Happy New Year.

Rooster

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Reeya never misses a fun event and has worked for Inspire since 2014

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june, 2019

15jan(jan 15)18:3027aug(aug 27)22:30Every Tuesday Surf “N” Turf BBQ Dinner at Anantara Hua Hin ResortTreat your Tuesday night perfect with our new theme night dinner “Surf and Turf BBQ” featuring premium local seafood, nice selections of meats including tomahawk as well as variety of homemade desserts.

31jan(jan 31)18:3029aug(aug 29)22:30KHAN TOAK Dinner at Anantara Hua Hin Resort Every ThursdayEnjoy a northern Thai (Lanna) dining experience

11may(may 11)10:1529jun(jun 29)11:30Under 16s Saturday Training at Hua Na Academy FC every SaturdayUnder 16s Training

12may(may 12)13:3028jul(jul 28)16:00Sunday Roast Bookings Essential at Ian's Restaurant every SundayBookings Start at 1.30pm

23may(may 23)10:0029jun(jun 29)16:00Burn Your Fat Off at Blúport Hua HinThe first time of Hua Hin Blue Port Hua Hin shopping mall is open to recruit women who want to lose weight

30may(may 30)16:3016jun(jun 16)00:30ICC Cricket World Cup Hosted by Boom BarShowing live sport on TV

31may(may 31)07:0028jun(jun 28)08:30Run for Fun 😀 by Mövenpick Asara Resort & Spa Hua HinFeel the moment and stay fit while on a holiday with us

31may(may 31)08:0008jun(jun 8)11:00NBA Finals Live at Murphys Irish PubHosted by El Murphys Irish Bar & Grill

31may(may 31)15:0002jun(jun 2)15:00Contact your inner child with power animalsA weekend retreat designed for families with children

01jun09:0030(jun 30)20:003 Specials of June at The Sala Wine Bar and Bistro, Monsoon ValleyAt Monsoon Valley Vineyard, Hua Hin, you will not only be embraced by fresh breeze and warm nature, but also refresh your palate with the unique Thai world-class wines with 3 special menus of June, only at The Sala Wine Bar and Bistro.

01jun10:0018:00Cloud 9 Hotel Hua Hin Grand OpeningInvited to celebrate the opening of the Cloud 9 Hua Hin hotel on Saturday 1st June 2019.

01jun10:0030(jun 30)21:00Exotic Retreat at Quan Spa, Hua Hin Marriott Resort & SpaOur Exotic Retreat package combines a stimulating 60-minute aromatic hot oil massage with a refreshing 30-minute cleansing facial and mini – face massage – perfect for releasing your tension after a long journey.

01jun12:0030(jun 30)22:30Local Clam Specials at Big Fish & Bar, Hua Hin Marriott Resort & SpaFor the whole month of June, Big Fish & Bar presents five special dishes made from local clams, crafted in a choice of delectable Asian and European styles.

01jun16:0017jul(jul 17)18:00Happy Hour Buy 1 Get 1 Free at Laksasubha Hua HinHave your favorite cocktail and watch the sunset at one of the beautiful spots of Hua Hin beach.

01jun17:0023:00SO Beach Party - Pride Night (Drag Me Home) at SO Sofitel Hua HinLOVE WINS! Celebrate Pride month with us on the beach!

01jun18:0029(jun 29)22:00BBQ Chill & Grill by the Sea at Sheraton Hua Hin Pranburi Villas every SaturdayTHB 1,490 net per person

01jun18:0031aug(aug 31)21:00Saturday Beach BBQ Buffet at Laksasubha Hua HinBeach BBQ Buffet @1,100 THB Free! 1 Cocktail or Beer

01jun18:3029(jun 29)22:00Chay Had BBQ Night – Every Saturday at Hilton Hua Hin Resort & SpaEnjoy your Saturday by the beach. Feel the breeze and fill up your stomach with exquisite cuisine from reef to beef.

02jun02:0005:00Champions League Final at Take 5 Sports Bar & Live MusicTottenham Hotspur vs Liverpool Champions League Final

02jun05:0008:00Prachuap Run for Love 2019 at Queens Park Hua HinPrachuap Run for Love 2019 at Queens Park Hua Hin

02jun(jun 2)12:0030(jun 30)16:00The Sunday Brunch Club at Beach Society by SO Sofitel Hua HinMake it a party with our Free-Flow option +THB 700 net for unlimited drinks

02jun12:0015:00Crab Aganza Fabulous Brunch at Sheraton Hua Hin Resort & SpaEnjoy the best brunch in town, enhanced with the world best crab.

02jun14:0016:00Greens Workshop @Huahin at The Chocolate Factory Thailand (Hua Hin)Plant Homegrown vegetable various types and sipping afternoon tea with dessert menu at The Chocolate Factory, Hua Hin

02jun15:0020:00Trophy Presentation HLF league at 19th Hole Hua Hin2nd June its next Sunday, trophy presentation HLF league winners, 19th Hole runners up Pinky Bar

02jun15:0020:008 Ball Tournament at 19th Hole Hua HinPool comp starts 3.00pm 8 ball sudden death final best of 3, 2,000 baht to the winner, HLF players 19th hole Saturday Team players

02jun17:0023:00Open Acoustic Jam Session at Ssshhh BarAll Musical Nomads are welcome

02jun18:0020:00T4 2019. Away match vs Saraburi UnitedCome to cheer! ⚽👇Like&Share👇 ⚽

02jun19:0023:55Joshua v Ruiz Jr.- LiVE at El Murphys Irish Bar & GrillOpen at 7am main fight about 9am.

02jun19:0021:00Jazz me up! at Avani+ Hua Hin ResortLive jazz entertainment by Franck Hergott & The Waltz

03jun(jun 3)08:3014(jun 14)14:30Exclusive Palapon Fitness Retreat Course for LadiesFinally achieve the Body & Healthy Lifestyle you want!

03jun18:0022:00White Beach BBQ at Hua Hin Marriott Resort & SpaJoin our stunning seafront barbecue dinner on the soft sands of Hua Hin Beach.

04jun19:3022:00Trivia Night at Sage Bar is back!Free food,all are welcome .

05jun(jun 5)08:0030(jun 30)12:00200 Hours Yoga Teacher Training - Evason Hua HinYoga Teacher Training by Yogic Concepts

05jun09:3013:301100 THB Thai Cooking Class Menu 3 at Bamboo Thai Cooking SchoolCome and learn to cook authentic Thai food

05jun(jun 5)18:3026(jun 26)22:00Asian Wok – Every Wednesday at Hilton Hua Hin Resort & SpaRediscover traditional Asian recipes and prepare your taste buds and take a journey with our tasty Asian dishes together by the hotel’s brigade of Thai chefs.

05jun(jun 5)19:0019(jun 19)21:00Wine Me Up Wednesday! at Avani+ Hua Hin ResortEnjoy Limitless red, white and sparkling wines paired with culinary live stations including artisan cold cuts and cheese.

06jun(jun 6)12:0027jul(jul 27)22:00Spare Me Some Ribs at Kampu Restaurant, Mövenpick Asara Resort & Spa Hua HinThe carefully selected pork back ribs are slow-grilled for good to the bone with chef’s own blend of spices and served with homemade BBQ sauce, garden salad and country fries or baked potato.

06jun18:0021:30Jazz Night By The Beach Charity Dinner at Sheraton Hua Hin Resort & SpaJoin us for a vibrant evening of indulgent dining and virtuoso jazz beside the beach.

07jun(jun 7)16:0008(jun 8)23:59Hua Hin International Jazz Festival 2019 by Centara Grand Beach Resort & Villas Hua Hin Return at the beautiful beachfront land

07jun(jun 7)17:0008(jun 8)23:59🎷Hua Hin Jazz Festival 2019 🎷| Mövenpick Asara Resort & Spa Hua HinPrepare to experience jazz music phenomenon on a world-class beach.

07jun(jun 7)17:0008jul(jul 8)23:00Hua Hin Jazz Festival 2019 at Hua Hin BeachPrepare to experience jazz music phenomenon on a world-class beach.

07jun18:0022:00Reef & Beef Dinner Buffet at Centara Grand Beach Resort & Villas Hua Hinv

07jun(jun 7)18:3028(jun 28)22:00Viva Italia – Every Friday at Hilton Hua Hin Resort & SpaEvery Friday buffet dinner features a comprehensive selection such as Parma Ham Pizza, Pasta cooking station and many more all-time favourites dishes.

07jun19:0022:00Reef & Beef Dinner Buffet at Centara Grand Beach Resort & Villas Hua HinGet ready to experience a renowned Reef & Beef Dinner Buffet

08jun06:0009:00Sunset RUN by Wingnaidee at Eurasia Lagoon Resort & Private BeachActive Run 4.5 Km. / 10 Km. /

08jun17:3020:00Hua Hin City FC vs Chainat Hornbill B at Takiab StadiumOmsin League T4 Season 2019 West – Hua Hin City FC vs Chainat Hornbill B

08jun19:0022:00Surf & Turf Dinner Buffet at Centara Grand Beach Resort & Villas Hua HinBaht 1,200++ per person

09jun06:0012:00Classic Run Ultra Half Marathon 2019 at Blúport Huahin Resort MallClassic Run Ultra Half Marathon 2019

09jun(jun 9)10:0015(jun 15)11:00Centara World Masters Golf Championship 2019 at Centara Grand Beach Resort & Villas Hua HinWe invite you to join club golfers from around the world for Asia’s biggest and richest amateur week of golf.

09jun16:3019:30India vs Australia at Take 5 Sports Bar & Live MusicCricket World cup only at take 5 sports bar, with special promotion.

11jun18:0022:00Choke Dee Food Market at Centara Grand Beach Resort & Villas Hua HinMark your calendar all Hua Hin locals as “Choke-Dee Food Market” is set to return with a fun flair this June at Centara Grand Beach Resort & Villas Hua Hin.

12jun09:0018:00Workshop: Laser Therapy in Small Animals and Horses at Veterinary Teaching Hospital Hua HinLectures and Demonstration in small animals and equine patients

12jun(jun 12)12:0026(jun 26)18:00POWER TEE COMPETITION at Banyan Golf Club, Hua HinTHB 2,000.- per person inclusive of snack following game.

13jun(jun 13)10:0016(jun 16)19:00Wedding Fair 2019 by NEO by Centara Grand Beach Resort & Villas Hua HinCentara Grand Hua Hin invites all the Brides and Grooms to-be for the ultimate wedding showcase “Hua His’s Dream Wedding”

13jun(jun 13)14:0017(jun 17)15:00Live NRL at El Murphys Irish Bar & GrillEnjoy the games with great food and icecold drink specials – Leo / Chang from 49b – mojitos and maiThais 99b, 5/1 free – Air conditioned bar.

13jun19:0022:00Centara’s BBQ & Seafood Market at Centara Grand Beach Resort & Villas Hua HinSpice up your evening in a flavourful style as Centara Grand Hua Hin brings to you one of the best BBQ & Seafood Market, serving up a feast of fresh-from-the-sea seafood and prime quality meat varieties, all grilled and flamed-up to your liking perfection.

15jun(jun 15)17:0016(jun 16)00:00Moose up The Sky at Vana Nava SkyMOOSE UP THE SKY Launch Party with special promotion all this June. MOOSE Apple Cider buy 3 get 1 free!!!

15jun17:0018:00Yoga For Life at Mövenpick Asara Resort & Spa Hua HinMövenpick Asara Resort & Spa Hua Hin invites you to enjoy an active way to relax during your stay. Salute to the bright blue sky, the sea, and the sand as you strengthen your core, clear your mind and centre your soul to take on life with positive energy.

15jun(jun 15)18:3016(jun 16)21:302019 Hua Hin Chef's Table : Dorigo Cafe & BistroEzio is of Venetian descent and his menu for this event

16jun03:3007:00Kaeng Krachan Country Club to Run Half Marathon 2019Half Marathon 21 Km / Mini Marathon 10 Km / Fun Run 5 Km.

16jun16:3019:30India vs Pakistan at Take 5 Sports Bar & Live MusicCricket World cup only at take 5 sports bar, with special promotion.

16jun18:0020:00M Live Night – Gin Cocktails at Hua Hin Marriott Resort & SpaExperience special fine gin cocktails with botanic garnishes and premium tonic, crafted by our professional mixologists and enjoy the soothing tunes from our house band.

17jun(jun 17)08:3028(jun 28)14:30Next Start for Strong Ladies at Palapon – Fitness and Weight Loss CampThis Exclusive Palapon Weight Loss Camp & Fitness Retreat Course is strictly for Ladies ONLY! Sorry Gents!

18jun(jun 18)17:0031jul(jul 31)19:00Happy Hour at Ocean Bar, Mövenpick Asara Resort & Spa Hua HinAfter a long day, it’s time to enjoy some ice cold drinks by the sea.

19jun16:3019:30New Zealand vs South Africa at Take 5 Sports Bar & Live MusicCricket World cup only at take 5 sports bar, with special promotion.

19jun20:3023:30The Bangkok Beatles Live in Ted’sThe Legendary Bangkok Beatles play live in Ted’s every Wednesday night in Father Ted’s from 8:30pm.

20jun11:0023:00Take 5 Monthly Golf Tournament at Banyan Golf ClubTee times from 11:00 AM onwards

20jun18:3020:30Hua Hin Business Network Wine Evening at Take 5 Sports Bar & Live MusicYou are cordially invited to Hua Hin Business Network’s June Wine Evening

22jun18:0022:004 Scenes at Sheraton Hua Hin Resort & SpaDiscover 4 unparalleled scenes

23jun18:0023:00New Sounds of Saigon Tour at Ssshhh Cafe Bar, Hua HinROCK N ROLL/PSYCH-ROCK/DUB SHOWCASE

24jun19:0022:00Exclusive “Vistamar” Wine Dinner at Hilton Hua Hin Resort & SpaChay Had, the oceanfront dining restaurant at Hilton Hua Hin Resort & Spa is organising its “Vistamar” Wine Dinner with one of the Chilean leading wine producers.

27jun17:0021:00Dine Along the Beach at Hua Hin Marriott Resort & SpaHua Hin Marriott Resort & Spa has teamed up with five other leading resorts in Hua Hin to take guests on a culinary journey along our golden coast.

29jun19:0021:00Free flow of wine and great tapas plate at The Green Parrot Hua HinCome join us the 29 for a Nice evening with free flow of wine And great tapas plate only for 695 THB

30jun12:0015:00Sunday Family Roast at Amber Kitchen, Hua Hin Marriott Resort & SpaTreat your family to an amazing feast including sumptuous slow-roasted meats and fish, plus an array of side dishes and desserts.

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